Why I Love Tel Aviv

I was walking to the pharmacy after a visit to my ear, nose and throat specialist, in the midst of the worst and most painful ear infection of my life, when I realized that I was looking around with a goofy grin on my face. Was it the fever?

It was the neighborhood I was walking through. And I found myself singing my own version of the song "I love Paris in the Springtime" or whatever it's called, the song Meg Ryan turned into "I hate Paris" in the movie "French Kiss" (one of my favorites of all time--Kevin Kline at his hottest). It didn't fit the the music at all, since 'Tel Aviv' has more syllables than 'Paris', but gimme a break. I was having a crucial breakthrough moment of Israel love.

I will summarize in the form of a photo-essay, accompanied by my thoughts as I wax philosophical about the beauty of this city.

I LOVE that this is what I see when I turn right out of the gate of my building. On Shabat, it is quiet like this. On every other day, it is a ridiculous clusterfuck that makes driving in Boston seem rational. I am happy to have a bicycle and two working legs.










I LOVE Rothschild Boulevard. There is a giant path down the middle of the street, surrounded on both sides by grass and trees, with two lanes of traffic on either side. Even in the rushiest rush of rush hour, you feel like you're strolling through the park. The right side of the dotted line is for walkers, the left for bikers, but no one pays attention to that. It keeps things interesting.







I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that none of the streets in residential Tel Aviv seem to meet at angles that make any sense at all, and that there is nary a stop or yield sign to be found at any of these intersections.








I LOVE the giant wall that is built for the segregated beach, which is used by the Orthodox Jews seeking pious fun in the sun. There are alternating days for men and women, as it is considered disrespectful to see the opposite sex in a bathing suit. I am unsure of the types of bathing suits that are worn on the Segregated Beach, because I am not allowed there. Except on Shabat, when the Orthodox spend their day in prayer and study, and their beach is opened up even to treif like me. The wall is so long and extends far enough that swimmers can not be seen.

I LOVE that this sign exists, and that this is the only kind of gas station you see in the city. The gas stations only say "Paz" (in Hebrew, of course), but the offices all have the full name, and in both languages. I almost peed myself laughing at this, and wished my brother was there to play Beavis to my Butthead.

I LOVE that my friend Gal appreciates my love of Jesus humor and paraphernalia. He loves my hot pink Answer-Me-Jesus, which is like a Magic 8-Ball, but with Godly responses like: "pray harder on this" and "you are a sinner".

I LOVE this handbill. In Hebrew, "pilpel" is "pepper". This is actually an advertisement for a reggae show last month. They were all over the city, and I loved that someone thought of this slogan. Brilliant. Funny.

I LOVE that there are these cages for recycling all over the city. I can think of 2 within a block of my apartment. Right now, they are only for bottles, but the recycling and conservation movement here is huge, so I'm sure more is to follow.

I LOVE Tel Aviv's second form of recycling: putting your shit out on the street and letting people take what they want. One person's trash, as they say. These people were looking through these giant piles of clothes wrapped in sheets. I'm certain that they were discarded in this way because so many people like to look through it and find their own little treasures. There was practically a party on my street when I was moving in and getting rid of stuff that made it all the way here, but I didn't want or need. I was popular that night.

I LOVE that almost everywhere you look, people are flying their own Israeli flags. Out their windows, across their porches, and in rows, hanging like garlands, wherever they will fit.











I LOVE that, on Shabat, I can stand in the middle of my street (my building is directly to the right, out of view) without getting run over. The same can not be said of any other day. On other days, cars speed up when you cross the street where there is no crosswalk.








I LOVE the funky-colored fountain that sits atop Kikar Dizengoff (Dizengoff Square), which is raised above the street and has four paths leading up, two from each side of the street, for easy crossing.









I LOVE that I have seen this same graffiti in Charleston. I don't know the answer without googling it--I won't lie. These benches are also atop Kikar Dizengoff, around the fountain, so you can sit and rest and chill a bit, listening to the fountain and people-watching.








I LOVE LOVE LOVE that this is the view from the front door of the yoga studio where I practice Ashtanga. Behold, the Mediterranean. So close, waves sometimes splash over the fence. It is to the sound of the sea that I practice yoga. Completely awesome. And way better than chanting.

I LOVE that these naked mannequins have stayed that way for months now, while a new store is being built at the Dizengoff Mall. There is something indecent, but funny, about seeing these fake naked people every time I walk by, which is almost every day. I can't imagine what the Orthodox must think. I'm surprised there hasn't been an uproar, since I heard that the Hasidim were kicking up a fuss in Brooklyn, USA, over a billboard for the new 90210. As a side note: When did they start putting nipples on mannequins, and was it REALLY necessary?

I LOVE that this shop exists out in the open, right by the Mall, and that the Hebrew underneath the English is transliterated English. It reads "sex style" in Hebrew as well. I haven't been into the store, but there are many like it with similar names, all in transliterated English. I guess Hebrew doesn't like to get dirty.

This stopped me in my tracks. I can't say that I love the idea of a pearl thong. In fact, it looks and sounds terribly uncomfortable. I called my mom the day I saw it. I couldn't believe that it was real, that it was more than urban legend, and that it wasn't hidden behind the curtained windows of shops like the one above. I mean, seriously. Who buys this stuff? (Please do not feel that you have to respond).

Another item I can't say that I love. What I DO love about this item is that the shop in which it is so proudly displayed is on a King George Street, which has constant traffic by all kinds of people. Crossing King George from Ben-Tzion (major street), you walk dead into this...this...gay bondage display. It shocked me, and I am not, as you know, easily shocked. Looking closely, though, you'll see that it is only 29.90 shekels, so it can't be real leather. No self-respecting gay man would settle for pleather, so this must be for a hetero demographic. And people wonder why dating makes me nervous.

I LOVE that there is a very popular band here called the Testicles. These handbills were all over the city, in all different kinds of neighborhoods. When I mentioned it to my friend Gal (see above, playing with Jesus), he showed me his CD case, which has a Testicles sticker on it. He knows the guys in the band. Evidently, the lead singer is a Russian guy who, instead of two top front teeth, has one giant, wide front tooth. That is kind of their gimmick, I guess. I'll try to go see them one day, just out of curiosity. Gal and I have very similar taste in music, so I might be a Testicles fan, too, some day.

I LOVE this funky, mirrored figure in the display window of a store. It wasn't an art gallery, and I couldn't figure out for the life of me what the shop sells, but this thing is really cool nonetheless. If I'm walking down Bograshov on any day other than Shabat, I can go in and see what they're selling.








This, transliterated to English, reads "E.S.P." Every time I see it, I am reminded of an episode of "Absolutely Fabulous" in which Edina yells at her psychic because, if the psychic was good, she would call Edina when there was a problem, and that Edina shouldn't have to call her first.








I LOVE that flakiness abounds all over the world. In English.












I LOVE the way people in Tel Aviv park. There is not enough parking for all the cars, so people get very...creative.














I LOVE that this entire row of cars is parked illegally, from one end of the street to the other.

















DUDE, WHERE'S THE REST OF MY CAR?

























I LOVE that this teeny tiny little car was parked in a space that wasn't meant to be a space. This is why people buy automobiles that look more like bumper cars here.

















I LOVE that this building looks like it is melting. This is the way it was designed, and it is completely awesome, and in a very expensive neighborhood in the North of Tel Aviv.

I LOVE these funky pink flowers that I have never seen anywhere else. They totally rule. They look really sad when they shrivel to brown nothings, but they are so cute and fuzzy. They are the baby kittens of the flora and fauna set.

I LOVE this statue. It is on Dizengoff Street, which, as you have probably figured out, is a major road here. And, out of nowhere, here is this guy, looking either exhausted or ready to watch a porno (or both, I suppose). He is, I feel the need to inform you, anatomically correct.

This is the crowded beach on Shabat. I do NOT go to the beach on Shabat, but I love to walk by and see the people practically fighting for spaces where they can rent chairs (12 shekels a day) and be near a restaurant, from which they can bring you drinks, alcoholic or not, fresh fruit, sandwiches, french fries, ice cream, and anything you want, for about 3 times the price you'd pay anywhere else.

I LOVE how beautiful the beach is, even when it is covered with tourists, clustered like sardines under the different-colored umbrellas, depending on which beach you are on. I love that Mediterranean is never any less beautiful, no matter how surrounded it is by children and tourists. I love that sand is so hot from the sun that you HAVE to wear shoes (Reefs, in my case), even if you are going to the water for a swim. I love watching people who don't realize this doing the "My Feet Are On Fire" dance, losing all sense of decorum and bouncing around trying to get back to their chairs without suffering 2nd-degree burns on their soles.

I LOVE feeling safe at the beach. I feel bad for the poor guys who have to be in full uniform and carry around M-16s in the hot sun, but I bet they get ice creams for free.

I LOVE this sign, because, when I read it, I always read it "Chernesky". You know who you are.

I LOVE the name of this street, and how close the name sounds to it's Arabic counterpart. It means, essentially, "Peace Unto You".

I LOVE men playing beach volleyball. These were well-developed men in their 20s without excessive body hair. It is something you grow to appreciate here. I loved watching these guys for about five minutes, until they lost and the court was taken over by a heavyset, back-hairy man in a speedo. I decided to spare you the photos. Consider that my gift to you.


Peace unto you. I won't wait so long between postings next time. My job hunt has kept me feeling busy and un-funny. I think of you all, always. Kisses from Tel Aviv, which I LOVE.